My Dear we're slow dancing in a burning room
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Sunday, April 24, 2011, 1:42 AM
Truth is, babe, I love you too.
Sunday, April 3, 2011, 3:39 PM
Sometimes I walk out the door with a smile on my face and I forget what I'm looking for. Other times I tumble out with a frown and know exactly the kind of love that I've found. Sometimes I feel like a king, and other times I feel like a pauper with a purple suit on display, hand stitched cotton that can't be seen above the waist. Sometimes there's too much of a fear in me to stand my ground, plant my feet and open my mouth, sing the words straight from my heart and not think about what would happen if.. Other times when i think I know I'm where I'm meant to be, turning stiles of a hundred different fake smiles flooding the corridor of insanity, I look down and see scuttling feet of thinning faith and absent esteem. What do you do when you're lonely? When the fake silicone eyes turn away from the shadow of your own refrain? You could buy your freedom when you're older, there'd still be no answer though spirits are bolder. Meld the key with the lock of your desiring heart and strain the insides of your vision to hold the doors apart, unchanging with the tides is the stone at the centre of all eternity, falling for the voice from your mouth that calls out to me. Nothing's for certain when it comes to her mind, chessboard turning with each move of the hand that left the pieces of the puzzle behind. It's not too late to hold your hand now, but it's too far away to shout out loud, when there's another beside you by your lips there to touch you to tell you he loves you and would never forsake you. But it's far too much to bear and I cannot love what I've lost in despair, maybe it's better for everything we did not say to lie by the broken pieces of yesterday and be covered by your silent smiles, even dust settles in after a little while. You should know the finger never pointed at you, so move the crossfire away from your consciousness and take your time to fall away from my arms.
Saturday, April 2, 2011, 3:37 AM
Moments are a lot more real than what you make them to be in your head. Speculations of emotions and outcomes can only satisfy that burning desire to experience reality ever so slightly. I'm done with thinking; I've thought so much that I'm not producing legitimate deductions anymore. And maybe it's for the best anyway. Maybe it's better than everything that's left unsaid remains unspoken and we part without a conclusion; not every story needs an ending. I know you'd be able to live with it as long as I can, so let's just pretend that I'm alright so you can get some peace of mind. If that's not a conclusion then I don't know what is. Why do I find it so hard to look away from you and walk in the opposite direction when I know it's just the right thing to do. Maybe you only feel this way when I start to walk away, when there's a chance you might lose me. But that's not how things are sposed to work. You aren't meant to love only when you're just about to lose. So it's not worth it, for either of us. Your eyes, as we said our goodbyes, that's something I'm gonna have to hold on to for as long as I'm still me. But that's all now, so goodbye.
Thursday, March 31, 2011, 12:40 AM
Only when you can separate the mind from the heart will you find inner peace. Because things in this world are too transient to weigh down our minds. Because people are just people, the same as you and the same as me, how they wish to walk their path on this earth may cross with yours but it will never be of more worth. So detach the heart and it's influences on the mind, peel away its persistent covering and you will see that there is more to the world out there than you. The world spins whether or not you're on it; there is not trying to be larger than what you really are. The chase of happiness and perfection in between are too temporary. Feelings and emotion, they clash with the logic our minds try to enforce. The bane of all human contradiction and heartache. Stupid things walking this earth who let their hearts get the better of them, there is no telling why or how we chose to fall. Time may pass and though your body is slow and weak, your mind is powerful enough to remove the feeling. Minimizing the weight of the pain and the ache until it is only a very small feeling, smaller than an itch and less significant than an urge. People come and go like waxworks in a museum, there's almost no point in trying to hold on to them. I brush the dirt from my soles and feel the dryness of the wood resting beneath the warmth of my heel, life and all it encompasses almost doesn't seem like a very important factor in the playing of the game. Fires rage in my body and in my mind, there is no peace that I can find that has you in it.
Thursday, March 24, 2011, 2:24 AM
Life is becoming a day old chewing gum that's gone cold and stale in the centre of your mouth. I'm so tired of this relentless battle against everything, love, life, success, I'm so fucking sick and tired of chasing it. Tired of trying to figure out what's happening and what must happen next, nothing seems to make sense anymore. I'm done waiting around for secret boyfriends to appear like an unwanted answer in a magic 8-ball. I'm through with all that bullshit the world enjoys twirling around in your face, ideals of relationship and notions of peace and harmony; that's all just a bunch of fucking lies. The foul shallow stench of good-looks and surface traits inhibit my entire being and I can't seem to migrate to any place that doesn't stink of it. Putrid behavior, human beings are so easy to figure out sometimes, basal wants and needs, lust, desire, reads loud and clear on the surface of your skin. You, and you and you, all of you, just a bunch of animals and I suppose this world is your cage, primal beasts and beings at the mercy of your own inability to think or to observe. Layers of deception cannot shield you forever. Because face it, at the end of the day, you're just looking for a good body to fuck and clearly, I'm not fucking fit for the cause am I? Because all you can ever think about is the looks, for shit if someone has good character or the ability to make you laugh. To hell with those cos they don't seem to stand any chance against a man with a chiseled torso and long flowing hair because you'd so prefer it. I don't know how anyone in this godforsaken planet can wake up every morning with a smile on their face, foul rotten minds turning like clockwork to begin the new day's new desire, chaining chunks of shit together in the pits of your own decaying mind. None of this is noble and there isn't a single soul left on this planet worth saving. Not even mine. We're all doomed to get shat on and god knows we deserve it. Every last one of us, disgusting creatures with nothing close to a heart for love and peace. Those are just ideals created by pop culture and surged through the market by consumerism; freedom, truth and love are dead. The death of bohemia is a tragic one but yet again, this day and age prooves to be apathetic and indifferent. I'm done with trying. I'm done with wasting precious hours and days labouring my mind over you. I'm done with holding on to you even though every day I wake up thinking things might change, things might be different for once. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am a fat sod and I am destined to die a fucking lonely death in the middle of fucking nowhere because oh yes, the shallow little bumfucks that scowl the surface of this shallow planet don't care for one such as me. You all want adonis, perfection and beauty beyond all comprehension. Well this world is a shithole and one day all of humanity is going to drown in the own regurgitated bullshit it now swims in. There is no such thing as compassion, or heart or love. All of that is dead, what's left on the surface is the pure lust and greed that plagues the human heart. So excuse me if I don't see the point in continuing with this life any longer, excuse me if you don't agree with what I'm saying or if you think I'm going slightly insane, excuse me for I'm telling the truth. The ugly fucking truth of humanity and this is the state of dissent and death we're all going to be subject to. No one's worth a pretty smile nor my efforts to create one. Selfish greed and personal desires; this world can fucking burn for all I care. I'm done trying to fix it and I'm done trying to fix myself.
Saturday, March 19, 2011, 1:13 AM
The world has too much to say sometimes. Every individual too full of themselves to let things slide for just a little bit, and so riots form so casually like sipping coffee from a paper cup. Maybe what I need is that 2am quietness to do the thing I love the most, sit with you in the middle of nowhere and watch as they tear the buildings down around us. Maybe it's no longer my place, and now that you seem to want to inflate these growing barriers between you and I, it doesn't even feel necessary to try anymore. This whole mirror in the face of oppression thing just doesn't seem to cut it, I need something stronger to burn off the leeches stuck onto my back and in the side of my brain.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011, 6:00 PM
It's starting to get dark now and the world around us is crashing and burning. Sounds you never thought you'd hear passing through your ear lobes and teasing your mind into a world of endless sensation. It's time you tried looking at things form another angle, my love, this one's only going to drag you away. I'm whispering into your ear but you're not listening to a thing I'm saying. I didn't think I'd care for so long, but I do. I know it's not ok with you but just hide your eyes until you start drowning in your mind that won't stop skipping back to the past. And take my heart with you while you're at it.
Saturday, March 5, 2011, 1:00 PM
The heart is thrown into a free fall and the very liquid within its core begins to solidify into ice cold rock, sounds stop all around and you can only hear the steady pounding in your head that threatens to split your entire being apart, feelings go numb and you begin to lose sight of all but a pin-point of a focus in the centre of your vision. I have never felt anything so warped and so strangely numbing before in my life. Time drones on like honey slowly cascading down a small slope but eventually a thousand chairs scrape the floorboards and rubber soles shuffle slowly along the back aisle with as much reluctance as a dead man walking about to be hung by the neck till dead. It feels about the same and suddenly the noose around all our necks tightens ever so slightly. Then, a flash of a piece of paper before our eyes and we are cut lose. Some begin to fly, others fall on their knees and weep, and some stand in the middle of the killing field with nowhere to go, half torn between what must happen and what did happen. I look down at a sheet of pink and all I can do is smile. I just wish everyone else were as well. Words can only do so much. The truth of the matter, the reality of life breaks apart the weight of the verbs and nouns and nothing seems to work at dissolving the hurt that wraps itself around your entire body. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to the people who can no longer stand. Anything you say will only make it seem a bit more painful to think about. This can only be a poor imitation of a novocaine that you'd like to push deep into your veins, inject it constantly until your blood flows out and only numbness runs through your system. Disappointment has many names and faces but this probably takes the cake. It's only a feeling and no one deserves to be torn away from existence by it. So here's to the hurt and to the inevitable crush that lingers on in all of us; breathe in, breathe out, and walk on, cos I know for a goddamn fact that no piece of paper is going to fucking define what kind of person I've been for the past 19 years, nor is it going to pin down and pave a way for the person I'm going to be 19 years from now. The effort does not define the result because the effort has already defined you. The blood, sweat and tears you put in is enough to tell you what you are and what you're worth, whether or not a fucking piece of paper is going to agree with you, because at the end of the day, when everything in life comes full circle, you'll look back and smile and see that it was always worth the fight and realize what all that time was for. And nobody, no matter how impressive an academic qualification, can stand in front of your face and take that away from you. Don't lose the heart you have cos god knows you deserve to hold on to who you know you are.
Thursday, March 3, 2011, 1:07 PM
I've pictured that moment before. About one year ago, I sat at the back of a crowded hall overlooking a mass of nerves and apprehension, bodies no longer fueled by anything human, motivated by a higher purpose or a higher cause, whatever faith you put your trust in. A year ago, I knew when it came to my turn, I'd find it so supremely difficult to even look at myself without throwing my entire state of mind into dissent. That day, I saw confident men cry, strong women weep and young adults turned into infants even just for a few hours. We're all the same when it comes down to it all. No amount of confidence or bravado we place on the surface of our faces can mask the inevitable fear that makes us all together in this fight. Try to hold a sheet over your frown and block away the world but I wish you'd realize that I'm just trying to care for you, and it hurts when you try to kick me away. I'll be wherever anyway, if you want to join me, you know what number to call. I'll sit by a stone staircase with a coffee and a cigarette in my hand because I've given up trying to care and I think I've fallen to a hole I can't climb out of. Sometimes you need something more than you want it and it's that conscious acceptance that is going to save you from yourself at the end of it all. The clock ticks away louder than any happy encouraging message anyone can send no matter how near. Constant, non-changing, steady and deadly precise, droning on in your head like nails digging into the side of your skull, inch by inch until you can no longer think or feel like you did before. It is impending and it is imminent, stares you down like a wolf in the dead centre of a forest, cold eyes locked onto yours and you don't even know what to think to comfort yourself. About a year ago, I thought I knew what to expect, I thought the feeling would be easy to dissect and break down like the contents of a pencil box, pull away and apart to minimize the incredibly persistent nagging at the back of your head. But I was wrong. I don't know what to expect and I don't know how much worse off I'm going to be come 2pm tomorrow afternoon. Call me crazy but I don't want to be alone. I'd like to be with all of you. Maybe you don't think the same and believe in solitary confinement to cope with the dizziness, but well, it'll be just like old times, wouldn't it? Us against them. Except this time, the scales have changed and we're facing a much bigger enemy than before. So sit and wait on the edge of all existence as we watch the tables turn in front of our very eyes, pieces of paper that could upturn worlds and upheave paths once well placed and held down by dreams and faith, judgements passed that could mean the end of an old dream or the start of a new one. The jaws of the best are mighty and fearsome, but so is the will to survive and the want to dream inside us all, we'll see in time that we're bigger than anything they could say to us, bigger than the alphabet and the number, bigger than the doubt and the insecurity, bigger than anything we could say to ourselves. The war drums sound and we come together one more time. Don't hold your breath cos you won't need it.
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Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt.
The World would be a much lesser place without corndogs and pizzas.
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Andrew. Music. Food. People. What more could you possibly want?
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One day when i wake up and find the motive and time to link anybody, i'll let you know.
+ Truth is, babe, I love you too.
+ Sometimes I walk out the door with a smile on my f...
+ Moments are a lot more real than what you make the...
+ Only when you can separate the mind from the heart...
+ Life is becoming a day old chewing gum that's gone...
+ The world has too much to say sometimes. Every ind...
+ It's starting to get dark now and the world around...
+ The heart is thrown into a free fall and the very ...
+ I've pictured that moment before. About one year a...
+ Hero. You think you're getting somewhere, slim, bu...
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